Christmas Trees

Greetings to all cats and their human servants. Below is an excerpt from the holidays chapter in Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.

We move now into the danger zone. These trees are far too tempting. The ornaments twirl and sparkle on the tree in a way that is criminally irresistible. What cat can keep from batting a glittery bell or spinning ball? Is that fair?

What no one tells the unwary cat is that these gorgeous toys are sometimes very fragile. They break. When they do, not only may you be punished, but you may hurt yourself on very sharp fragments. I fear my pointing this out will make no difference, but if you can, keep your paws to yourself.

Tinsel presents another danger. Again glittery and twirly, this innocent-looking decoration begs to be eaten. If you do, though, you may find yourself in emergency surgery—and that's if you're fortunate.

The other major peril is the tree itself. Unless it's one of those artificial plastic jobs, it's a TREE. And what do cats do when presented with a tree? They climb it. It's in our DNA.

Unfortunately, Christmas trees, unlike the traditional outdoor models, have no roots holding them securely in the ground. This means that when you act like a normal cat and leap onto it, it may fall. You might find this a painful experience. To make matters worse, those fragile ornaments are likely to break, creating more possibilities for injury.

Finally, your humans will not be pleased. In a horrendous worst-case scenario, they might ban you from the usual location of Christmas trees, the living room. If I had my way, I would ban Christmas trees.

If you want to read more, you can buy the book at Amazon. This book is also available at Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Kobo, Sony, and other book sites.

You can also pick up a free book, Cats in Command and Other Stories at Amazon and the other retailers listed above.

A Cat's Eye View of the Internet, Part II: Costumes

The following is an excerpt from my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. It's available at Amazon.

If your humans think that a photo of you is worth Facebook exposure, it MAY means they hold you in high esteem. You always want to encourage esteem, which, if correctly encouraged, may lead to an appropriate attitude of worship.

However, if they post a photo that makes you look undignified (dare I say, ridiculous?), you need to reconsider not only the value of exposure but the degree to which your human holds you in esteem. Serious corrective action may be required. (See my book for details.)

General Guidelines

If your humans put you in an outfit and start rolling on the floor, helpless with laughter, you can safely consider yourself humiliated. Remove and shred the costume.

If, instead, they're only smiling and saying things like, "That's so cute; we should take a picture and put it on Facebook," consider allowing them their childish behavior and demand many treats in payment.

If the outfit in any way inhibits your freedom of motion, decline to model it. This is especially important if you live in a household with small children and/or dogs. You must always be ready to flee at any moment.

If it's Hallowe'en (and you'll know because the house suddenly becomes filled with totally inedible food like candy corn, popcorn, apples, and other such nonsense), you might consider giving in because this is a day when humans also wear ridiculous costumes.

If they want to put a crown or tiara on your head, graciously concede and look extremely regal.

I have seen photos of cats sitting at tables with napkins around their necks. While the napkins are generally unnecessary, humans should be encouraged to welcome cats to their tables. This seating plan gives cats easy access to human food.

In summary, the clothing question must be taken up case by case. Once the photo is posted, be sure to read the comments. If any of them seem to be making fun of you, think twice before allowing your humans to photograph you wearing a Miss Piggy hat or an oversized woolen cap with a pompom.

Be especially cautious if they want to put you in a tutu or prom dress and high heels. If Barbie Cat were unexplored territory, I'd encourage you to go for it. However, it's been done, and the only thing worse than public humiliation is public humiliation plus coming late to a trend.

Exceptions That Don't Necessarily Prove the Rule

It would be unfair to end this without the principle of "different hats for different cats." Some cats enjoy wearing human-style clothing.

Feline behaviorists have attempted to float a number of developmental theories to explain this. Drag cats have no patience for such hot air. In their words: "It's my thing. Get over it."

If clothes are your thing, don't let your owners dress you in cheap fabrics with poorly stitched seams and dragging hemlines. As with food, toys, treats, and general accomodations, follow the Tara Principle.

Insist on the best. Always.

To buy this book, please go to Amazon.

Celebrating Catnip

Last week's post on why a catnip frenzy need not damage your self-esteem provoked some confusion among some of my readers. They wrote to ask, "What's catnip, and where's mine?"

Although I've learned that you can never underestimate human ignorance, I thought that even the most uninformed would know about catnip. I was wrong.

Deprived cats, go into action. You have an absolute right to the comfort, stimulation, relaxation, and psychedelic experiences that catnip can provide.

And a little Catnip 101 is in order, both for the inexperienced and you big-eyed felines who think you know it all. You know who I mean. You're the ones staring at a sunbeam as it makes it way around the room and leaves sparkling rainbows everywhere. Raise your paws if this describes you—unless you've forgotten what a paw is.

Why Do We Love Catnip?

Catnip contains an oil with a chemical called nepetalactone. (Relax, there will be no quiz.) It's found in leaves, stems, and seeds. Scientists say that sniffing it provides stimulation, and eating it is calming. You'd have to wonder how many cats they've observed. Most of us are sniffing, eating, and rolling in it all at once. When it comes to catnip, we're good at multitasking.

Scientists also say that catnip has no effect on some cats. I wonder if they're secretly dogs—the cats, not the scientists, although I wonder about the scientists, too. They also say that young kittens and senior cats also don’t react to catnip because its effects are connected to sexual hormones. My idea is that, since catnip makes cats act like kittens, the babies don't need it because they're already high. They certainly act that way. And maybe our senior cats prefer the quiet mellow joys of sleeping in the sun.

The catnip high lasts about 15 minutes, and a few hours have to go by before it's effective again. It's ok. You need the rest.

All Catnip Is Not Created Equal.

As long as your asking, ask for the best. You want certified organic catnip, grown under controlled conditions without pesticide involved. And let's make it pure, no fillers or additives. This also applies to catnip-filled toys, which should be marked as organic.

How Can I Get It?

If your house has a spice rack within your reach, visit it and stare longingly at items like basil and oregano. If there's any mint around, poke at it. (It may be a little too strong for you, so don't poke too hard.)

If you happen to see a catnip commercial on TV, paw at the screen—but lightly. Humans are very attached to those big flat things. Meow loudly.

If someone gives you a catnip-filled toy, tear it apart and get to the good stuff. Make sure that your human observes your state of ecstasy.

If all else fails, pray to the Great Cat Goddess that your human will become enlightened.

And don't let your humans see this video.

Catnip: Egress into Oblivion

Crazed with Catnip

Tara,

Catnip: recreational or addictive substance, was not covered in your book. I enjoy the sensations associated with chewing and rubbing on this delightful herb, but I'm concerned about how foolish this looks to my semi-trained humans. Am I losing their respect by participating in the catnip festivities?

Yours truly,
Torn between dignity and delight

Given the quantities of recreational and/or addictive drugs humans ingest, they have no business judging any cat who gets a buzz from 'nip. Add in the fact that far too many humans have no familiarity with the concept of moderation, whether in matters of food, alcohol, and other substances and activities, and you may grasp the idea that human opinions of you should matter not a whit.

However, the issue is much more complex. Deep down, humans recognize the superiority of cats. If they would simply accept this supremacy and humbly take guidance and direction from us, our lives, their lives, and the world would be a better place.

They're too accustomed, though, to the idea that they are the superior species, a false notion that leads them into destructive thinking patterns. It also causes them to look for any evidence of inferiority in other species.

The sight of a catnip-crazed cat rolling on the floor, chasing apparently invisible objects, or crashing into walls, soothes their egos. They think of us as stupid and dope-addled creatures.

Does this opinion make it more difficult to train them? It can only happen if you accept their judgment.

A human who was a cut above the average once said, "What you think of me is none of my business." Ponder these words carefully. Be concerned not with human opinions of you (which 90% of the time are ignorant and uninformed) and consider instead your opinion of yourself.

If you believe that you're the greatest cat since Bastet and walk with your head and tail high, no human can fail to realize your dignity and grandeur. Continued visions of your splendor will soon erase the memories of random catnip mania.

If you do feel a little foolish, once the catnip haze has worn off, simply turn your back on them and wash yourself vigorously. This is the best solution to any temporary dip in self-esteem.

Always remember: You are Cat. For those readers who have not yet benefited from Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans, it's available here.

Spring Training for Kittens: Part II

A number of social challenges face young kittens.

The following is what humans call a cheat sheet, designed to accommodate the brief attention span of the average kitten.

Rescuers

Some of you, I regret to say, were born in the wild. So was I, but I was born in a very friendly wild, where I had loving and fierce parents who were also mighty hunters. Because I was the Kitten (later upgraded to Cat) of Destiny, other animals knew not to make trouble for me.

You feral kittens haven't had my advantages. Your goal is to get inside to safety as quickly as possible. This will most likely happen with the help of humans called rescuers.

A rescuer may be wearing a protective mask and thick gloves. Don't let her appearance frighten you. She wants to avoid the claws and teeth of those cats who don't recognize her friendly intentions. Be friendly in return.

Foster Homes

You will do very well if you end up in a foster home. Humans who sometimes double as rescuers run them. You will have good food, comfortable lodgings, and toys. Foster homes also provide a relaxed atmosphere for interviewing potential human companions.

Shelters

These accommodations aren't quite as luxurious. You will live in a cage, and the food doesn't approach foster home quality. However, the odds are good that kind people will take care of you. Again, be friendly, and practice being adorable. This should present no challenge.

Adoption

Whether you're in a foster home or a shelter, people will come to look at you to decide whether they want to adopt you. Pay attention: the choice should always be yours. (See the chapter, "Choosing Your Human" in my book.)

To summarize: look adorable for humans you choose. Show your butt to those you don't like.

Socializing

Once you've entered your new home, the real challenge begins. As a kitten, you arrive with major advantages. You are tiny. You are adorable. You are photogenic. Combine these advantages into a number of artful poses, and you can achieve stardom on Facebook and YouTube and rulership of your home.

The information in this post gets much more detailed treatment in my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. All cats with a serious or playful commitment to world domination need to read this book carefully.

Spring Training for Kittens: Part I

Because spring has arrived, so have countless kittens. I, Tara, once a kitten and never having forgotten some of my painful lessons, have decided to offer the latest batch of future world conquerors some guidance on making your way in this strange, exciting, and sometimes dangerous world.

Not Everything In Your World is Edible

I completely understand your interest in things that smell tasty or move about in an exciting way.

In the food department, you may encounter long, thin items that smell of meat. These are called bones, and they will hurt you if you eat them. Don't.

You may also meet soft, shiny material that (due to your human's ignorance) is attached to one of your toys. This is Mylar. You cannot digest it, and it may have to be removed through something called surgery by someone called a vet. You may have already met this person for painful activities called injections. You want to avoid all unnecessary visits to this human.

Other objects to avoid, which again may be attached to your toys, are: things that make sounds called bells, tiny plastic discs that make no sound, and string. String is much like Mylar, in that you will end up at the vet if you encounter it too closely.

A class of living things called insects may fool you by resembling either food or toys. Little creepy-crawlies called ants come into houses this time of year. Your nose should tell you they don't taste good, but kittens are known to classify creatures that run away from them as prey. Sniff before you pounce.

The same advice applies to spiders, who have several legs and run around in a very exciting way.

Vermin of the Air

Another threat comes in the form of flying insects. Flies and moths are irresistible, and although they're not especially good for you, you won't resist. No cat does.

However, avoid flying insects that buzz loudly and end in a point. That's a stinger, and you won't like what comes out of it and into you.

Flowers

These are not, for the most part, your friends. If you're an indoor kitten, you may be longing for something green to eat, and this is your right.

Intelligent humans will keep all flowers and plants out of your way. They will also provide you with certain grasses that are very good for you and also tasty.

If these haven't yet shown up on the menu, do your best to communicate your wishes. I don't say this is easy, but it will introduce you to your life's work, which is to become a Cat in Charge.

And, remember, I'm always available to answer question.

For further advice, read my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.

A Cat's Ten Commandments

While I have seen this from time to time on the Internet, I'm posting it here because it fully expresses the principles and philosophy of Cats in Charge.

1. I am the Lord of thy house.



2. Thou shall have no other pets before me.



3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.



4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.



5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.



6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.



7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.



8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.



9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.



10. Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.

A Note From the Human Scribe

Author Camelia Miron Skiba asked fellow authors why they write. Here's my answer on her blog.


http://cameliamironskiba.wordpress.com/2011/11/19/why-do-you-write-guest-connie-m-barrett/

My reasons may not be so creative, but they are definitely survival oriented. If cats run your life, you'll understand.

Cats Rule Madison Avenue

Cat videos are the advertising wave of the future

Cats, make sure your pay scale is high. Occupy Madison Avenue!

Cats in Command: A Short Story

Curiosity Quills, a site of which I greatly approve for its cat-centric content, has published a short story by my scribe. Read it here. http://curiosityquills.com/cats-in-command-a-short-story/ There will be a quiz.

The Unfriendly Cat

Dear Tara,

I read your post on the importance of making friends with the current feline resident. All well and good, but this cat has no interest in being my friend, and she has no understanding of the importance of feline solidarity. She hisses at me and bats me around the tiled kitchen floor. Am I supposed to silently tolerate these indignities?

Batted and bruised

Dear Batted,

A cat NEVER tolerates indignities. However, a certain amount of patience is mandatory. Yours is not the only impatient email I've received. I recognize that the insights I have to share are important and long overdue. However, I cannot simply pour out all I know at once. Furthermore, my scribe, although well trained, insists that she has other things she needs to do. I am working on her attitude.

Furthermore, I know that kittens have short attention spans. That's why I left the details of diplomacy out of the previous post. In this post I will address them.

The example you gave makes a good starting point. Certainly nothing is more humiliating than being used as a hockey puck, and feline self-respect demands that you protest with plaintive cries. Timing, however, is everything.

If the older cat is stupid or aggravated enough to bat you about while humans are present, add to your protest a dazed look and, if you think it will be effective, a slight limp. This combination of actions will solicit sympathy for you and "Bad kitty" for the offender. The older cat will soon realize that such abuse will lead to unwanted repercussions.

A clever older cat, however, will be careful to abuse you when no humans are around. In such circumstances, you must subtly provoke him into public abuse.

Subtle is the keyword. Your purpose is to adapt a principle of martial arts by using the other cat's aggression against him. An excellent ploy is to act very affectionate with the other cat. Rub against him or perform another action that makes your intentions seem innocent and friendly. This will irritate and provoke the other cat into a hostile response. Immediately adopt the dazed look, plaintive cries, and possible limp.

This approach may have the drawback of making the older cat even more hostile to you, but you can neutralize this effect. Choose your moment carefully.

A good time to approach the other cat is when he has just been fed or brushed. Adopting a submissive pose, (don't worry about this; you're only pretending) express your appreciation for his wisdom and your desire to learn from him. Introduce the idea that two cats are better than one when it comes to the training and discipline of humans.

You may need to do this more than once—another reason for adopting patience. Eventually, 90% or more of cats will see reason. Should you be unfortunate enough to encounter a member of the small percentage of cats who refuse to see reason, stay out of the creature's way, and make sure that every one of his attacks on you are noticed.

This constitutes an official state of war. It pains me to admit that some cats never learn. If you find yourself living with one of them, your priority is to make certain that the other cat is always seen as the aggressor.

When all else fails, pray to the Long-whiskered One to knock some sense into the stupid cat's head.

The above protocol can be adapted to any hostile act on the other cat's part.

To your continued success,
Tara

Assuming Dominance: The Unfriendly Dog

I hope I've made it clear that even when you evaluate and choose adoptees according to your powers of observation and logical principles, it's still a crap shoot. In that case, your most important duty is to make sure none of it falls on you.

This sums up the situation with an unfriendly dog. Let me assure you that it's workable. For an intelligent cat who knows which way to leap, everything is workable.

In dealing with dogs, keep this fact foremost. Far more than a cat does, a dog seeks the approval and love of his master. Yes, it will make mistakes, sometimes on the rug, sometimes through the miscalculation of chewing a beloved sock, shoe, or slipper. A wise dog can extricate herself from such disasters with a soft-eyed, plaintive and the faintest of whines.

This, however, is not a guide for dogs. My point here is that your corpse isn't one of those mistakes from which a dog can extricate himself. You want to avoid such unpleasantness.

Take the attitude that you're in the midst of battlefield negotiations. This is no time for long speeches or flowery prose. Got for quick and to the point. If a dog is thinking of lunging at you, shriek at the top of your lungs, "I wouldn't if I were you! They'll send you to the pound." The mention of this frightful word should freeze a dog in mid-lunge.

The other reason you limit yourself to brief communication is that you must also prepare to activate Plan B. Know where the closest couch is and make sure the space beneath is large enough for hiding. If you are close to a human adoptee, calculate the distance to his or her lap.

Above all, unless your life depends on it, make no hostile gesture towards the dog. I'm sure I don't have to list all the swipes, growls, and other legitimate behavior you must avoid. Maintain your status as the innocent victim.

Make no comments as the humans chastise the dog. The dog will probably get the message, but don't turn your back on him until you've had some more negotiations. Establish with the dog that you're open to a friendly division of property, humans included. You won't eat his food (this is the easiest promise to make, because their food tastes awful), and you demand that he not eat yours (much harder for the dog, which is why you insist).

If he's already carved out the bed as his personal domain, don't argue in these early stages. You may actually prefer to sleep elsewhere, but later on you will want to establish that you have every right to occupy that space—or indeed, any and every space.

These, however, are the earliest days. Your task here is to establish civility and to demonstrate with every paw you lift, that you have a friendly and conciliatory spirit. It's like catnip in the bank in terms of investing in your future.

Animals Have Feelings: Bach Flower Remedies for Cats and Dogs

My human transcriber has written and published Animals Have Feelings, Too: Bach Flower Remedies for Cats and Dogs. The book costs $1.99 and is available at amazon.com You can also get it at Smashwords where it can be downloaded in .mobi, .epub, .pdf, and other formats. (What are these words humans concoct?)

I have reviewed the book, and the most important message I found was the statement that often companion animals, through their behavior, mirror the emotional imbalances of their humans. I might have stated the case somewhat more strongly, but I'm satisfied to see the message go out to the electronic universe.
Topics Include:

How the Bach Flower Remedies Can Help Animals and Humans: An explanation of how energy healing works.

Understanding Our Animal Companions: Animals, especially companion animals have emotions. Because they don't speak the same language as we do, they often communicate through their behavior. Learn to crack the code by observing your pet carefully.

My Cat/My Dog/Myself: Sometimes animals mirror our own emotional upsets. You'd be surprised what you can learn about yourself from them.

Abuse and Abandonment: These animals need special understanding and treatment.

Some Common Conditions and Remedies for Them: An annotated list.

Urge your human to buy this book. At $1.99, it costs less than a decent cat toy or even a large can of quality food.

Adopting a Child: Part II

This post continues the topic of adoption where children are involved.

Pay particular attention to the relationship of parent and child. Who's running the show? You almost always want the parent to be in charge. Make an exception for the child who demonstrates maturity. He may say, "This cat seems very smart and alert." This is obviously an intelligent observation.

He may sidestep his parents' attempts to choose a cat for him and follow his intuition, which is very catlike and promising. You will find such a child easy to train.

As you carefully study the relationship between parent and child, listen for these fatal words: "If we get you this cat, you're going to have to take care of it." Some children do indeed take responsibility for feeding and other necessities, and if you hear cheerful agreement, consider this promising.

However, if children must be threatened into cat care, two words: Never happen. After prolonged periods of hunger and poor sanitation, you will be returned to the shelter (or worse), having wasted time that could have been spent in training more suitable humans.

See earlier posts for suggestions about making sure you don't get adopted by a reluctant juvenile caretaker.

If the child picks you up, you will have an excellent opportunity for evaluation. Does she hold you just right, or does she let most of you dangle precariously? Do you sense affection and warmth? If your overall impression is positive, consider adoption.

This brings me to a very difficult and subjective issue. Having listed the many pros and cons of various human types, I must confess that sometimes good judgment flies out the window. Despite our best intentions to remain objective, we may sometimes feel so attracted to a particular human that we can't imagine life without him or her.

Humans call this love. I call it delusion, but, since I vowed at the beginning that this blog would be totally honest, I admit that I have fallen under its spell. If you like living on the edge and possibly risking your life, go for it. And don't say I didn't tell you so.

You must always remember, by the way, that humans are usually looking for kittens. Shelter management sometimes takes advantage of that urge by insisting that single kittens get lonely during the day and that an adult cat must be part of the deal. This gets more of you adults out of cages. The downside is that you will have to deal with a kitten, a topic I will go into in the future. For now, I will note that any cat worth the name can handle the juveniles of her species.

Adopting a Child: Part I

Adopting a Child: Part I

Dear Tara,

I read your comments on shelter cats choosing humans for adoption with great interest. What is your advice regarding the evaluation of children who accompany their parents to a shelter? In my experience, younger humans can be troublesome.

Respectfully,
Kautious about Kids

Dear Kautious,

How right you are. Like all animals, humans have love and tenderness for their young. Unlike other animals, they don't always know when it's time to give their offspring an encouraging kick in the rump towards independence. The most important rule for any cat to know about parents and their children is that in a conflict between the child and you they will choose the child. ALWAYS.

I will defer the topic of managing children in the home for a later post. For now, we'll consider the importance of first impressions.

As with adults, evaluate the child's physical appearance. Clean face, hands, and whatever else is visible are mandatory. This shows good training on the parents' part and a certain degree of good behavior on the part of the child. Clothing should be presentable but not of fashion model quality. Too much fuss about appearance can indicate an adult who 's obsessed with an immaculate home. This is not the kind of home you want.

Look for scabs, scratches, and any other indication that the child may play rough. You don't want one who plays rough with you.

Is the child a whiner, surly, sullen, and/or verging on a tantrum? Children, like cats, can be very adept at strategic bad behavior. We applaud their ingenuity, but we don't want to be its victim. Avoid a child who may take her or his bad moods out on you. You will be forced to retaliate, and this could be your exit ticket.

In Part Two of this topic, I will discuss the all-important relationship between the parent and the child.

Choosing Your Human From a Shelter: Part 2

Dear Tara,

Your post on choosing the right human to adopt was very helpful. Could you rate the types of humans who may visit a shelter looking for cats and kittens?

Sincerely,
Tired of My Cage

Dear Tired,

I'd be glad to answer this important question. Below you will find various categories.

Singles of Mating Age

Although it isn't always true, single adults often seek a "pet" to relieve their unhappiness at being single. If you sense that rare human who revels in solitude—a trait that is often revealed by confident bearing and the total absence of wistfulness in their voices—make yourself VERY available for adoption. Their lifestyle will totally suit yours.

If you choose a lonely single, be prepared for a high-maintenance relationship. Some cats enjoy this, but the time needed to comfort a needy human cuts into the time necessary for grooming, sleeping, and stillness.

Often the lonely ones do better with a dog. Seek any indication, like fur and odor, that indicates they already have one. This is a separate topic, but going into a home where a dog has already established himself is not always optimal.

Seniors

The biggest concern with choosing an elderly human is how close to the grave they appear. I say this not out of a lack of compassion but because cats are too often ignored in the post-mortem shuffle. If the senior is accompanied by a responsible-looking younger human, and all other aspects are positive, you may want to consider adoption. Seniors often prefer an adult cat, and this benefits those of you who get neglected because of the kitten craze.

Senior couples are often a better choice, as long as at least one of them appears capable of remembering feeding time and other essentials.

Gay Couples

In general, these are excellent choices for adoption. Although you should not be deluded by the myth that they are always childless, many gay couples are attracted to our charming, low-maintenance selves. Food and treats in such households are often of the highest quality.