Christmas Trees

Greetings to all cats and their human servants. Below is an excerpt from the holidays chapter in Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.

We move now into the danger zone. These trees are far too tempting. The ornaments twirl and sparkle on the tree in a way that is criminally irresistible. What cat can keep from batting a glittery bell or spinning ball? Is that fair?

What no one tells the unwary cat is that these gorgeous toys are sometimes very fragile. They break. When they do, not only may you be punished, but you may hurt yourself on very sharp fragments. I fear my pointing this out will make no difference, but if you can, keep your paws to yourself.

Tinsel presents another danger. Again glittery and twirly, this innocent-looking decoration begs to be eaten. If you do, though, you may find yourself in emergency surgery—and that's if you're fortunate.

The other major peril is the tree itself. Unless it's one of those artificial plastic jobs, it's a TREE. And what do cats do when presented with a tree? They climb it. It's in our DNA.

Unfortunately, Christmas trees, unlike the traditional outdoor models, have no roots holding them securely in the ground. This means that when you act like a normal cat and leap onto it, it may fall. You might find this a painful experience. To make matters worse, those fragile ornaments are likely to break, creating more possibilities for injury.

Finally, your humans will not be pleased. In a horrendous worst-case scenario, they might ban you from the usual location of Christmas trees, the living room. If I had my way, I would ban Christmas trees.

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