A Cat's Eye View of the Internet, Part II: Costumes

The following is an excerpt from my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. It's available at Amazon.

If your humans think that a photo of you is worth Facebook exposure, it MAY means they hold you in high esteem. You always want to encourage esteem, which, if correctly encouraged, may lead to an appropriate attitude of worship.

However, if they post a photo that makes you look undignified (dare I say, ridiculous?), you need to reconsider not only the value of exposure but the degree to which your human holds you in esteem. Serious corrective action may be required. (See my book for details.)

General Guidelines

If your humans put you in an outfit and start rolling on the floor, helpless with laughter, you can safely consider yourself humiliated. Remove and shred the costume.

If, instead, they're only smiling and saying things like, "That's so cute; we should take a picture and put it on Facebook," consider allowing them their childish behavior and demand many treats in payment.

If the outfit in any way inhibits your freedom of motion, decline to model it. This is especially important if you live in a household with small children and/or dogs. You must always be ready to flee at any moment.

If it's Hallowe'en (and you'll know because the house suddenly becomes filled with totally inedible food like candy corn, popcorn, apples, and other such nonsense), you might consider giving in because this is a day when humans also wear ridiculous costumes.

If they want to put a crown or tiara on your head, graciously concede and look extremely regal.

I have seen photos of cats sitting at tables with napkins around their necks. While the napkins are generally unnecessary, humans should be encouraged to welcome cats to their tables. This seating plan gives cats easy access to human food.

In summary, the clothing question must be taken up case by case. Once the photo is posted, be sure to read the comments. If any of them seem to be making fun of you, think twice before allowing your humans to photograph you wearing a Miss Piggy hat or an oversized woolen cap with a pompom.

Be especially cautious if they want to put you in a tutu or prom dress and high heels. If Barbie Cat were unexplored territory, I'd encourage you to go for it. However, it's been done, and the only thing worse than public humiliation is public humiliation plus coming late to a trend.

Exceptions That Don't Necessarily Prove the Rule

It would be unfair to end this without the principle of "different hats for different cats." Some cats enjoy wearing human-style clothing.

Feline behaviorists have attempted to float a number of developmental theories to explain this. Drag cats have no patience for such hot air. In their words: "It's my thing. Get over it."

If clothes are your thing, don't let your owners dress you in cheap fabrics with poorly stitched seams and dragging hemlines. As with food, toys, treats, and general accomodations, follow the Tara Principle.

Insist on the best. Always.

To buy this book, please go to Amazon.

Crazed with Catnip

Tara,

Catnip: recreational or addictive substance, was not covered in your book. I enjoy the sensations associated with chewing and rubbing on this delightful herb, but I'm concerned about how foolish this looks to my semi-trained humans. Am I losing their respect by participating in the catnip festivities?

Yours truly,
Torn between dignity and delight

Given the quantities of recreational and/or addictive drugs humans ingest, they have no business judging any cat who gets a buzz from 'nip. Add in the fact that far too many humans have no familiarity with the concept of moderation, whether in matters of food, alcohol, and other substances and activities, and you may grasp the idea that human opinions of you should matter not a whit.

However, the issue is much more complex. Deep down, humans recognize the superiority of cats. If they would simply accept this supremacy and humbly take guidance and direction from us, our lives, their lives, and the world would be a better place.

They're too accustomed, though, to the idea that they are the superior species, a false notion that leads them into destructive thinking patterns. It also causes them to look for any evidence of inferiority in other species.

The sight of a catnip-crazed cat rolling on the floor, chasing apparently invisible objects, or crashing into walls, soothes their egos. They think of us as stupid and dope-addled creatures.

Does this opinion make it more difficult to train them? It can only happen if you accept their judgment.

A human who was a cut above the average once said, "What you think of me is none of my business." Ponder these words carefully. Be concerned not with human opinions of you (which 90% of the time are ignorant and uninformed) and consider instead your opinion of yourself.

If you believe that you're the greatest cat since Bastet and walk with your head and tail high, no human can fail to realize your dignity and grandeur. Continued visions of your splendor will soon erase the memories of random catnip mania.

If you do feel a little foolish, once the catnip haze has worn off, simply turn your back on them and wash yourself vigorously. This is the best solution to any temporary dip in self-esteem.

Always remember: You are Cat. For those readers who have not yet benefited from Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans, it's available here.

Adopting a Child: Part II

This post continues the topic of adoption where children are involved.

Pay particular attention to the relationship of parent and child. Who's running the show? You almost always want the parent to be in charge. Make an exception for the child who demonstrates maturity. He may say, "This cat seems very smart and alert." This is obviously an intelligent observation.

He may sidestep his parents' attempts to choose a cat for him and follow his intuition, which is very catlike and promising. You will find such a child easy to train.

As you carefully study the relationship between parent and child, listen for these fatal words: "If we get you this cat, you're going to have to take care of it." Some children do indeed take responsibility for feeding and other necessities, and if you hear cheerful agreement, consider this promising.

However, if children must be threatened into cat care, two words: Never happen. After prolonged periods of hunger and poor sanitation, you will be returned to the shelter (or worse), having wasted time that could have been spent in training more suitable humans.

See earlier posts for suggestions about making sure you don't get adopted by a reluctant juvenile caretaker.

If the child picks you up, you will have an excellent opportunity for evaluation. Does she hold you just right, or does she let most of you dangle precariously? Do you sense affection and warmth? If your overall impression is positive, consider adoption.

This brings me to a very difficult and subjective issue. Having listed the many pros and cons of various human types, I must confess that sometimes good judgment flies out the window. Despite our best intentions to remain objective, we may sometimes feel so attracted to a particular human that we can't imagine life without him or her.

Humans call this love. I call it delusion, but, since I vowed at the beginning that this blog would be totally honest, I admit that I have fallen under its spell. If you like living on the edge and possibly risking your life, go for it. And don't say I didn't tell you so.

You must always remember, by the way, that humans are usually looking for kittens. Shelter management sometimes takes advantage of that urge by insisting that single kittens get lonely during the day and that an adult cat must be part of the deal. This gets more of you adults out of cages. The downside is that you will have to deal with a kitten, a topic I will go into in the future. For now, I will note that any cat worth the name can handle the juveniles of her species.