Spring Training for Kittens: Part I

Because spring has arrived, so have countless kittens. I, Tara, once a kitten and never having forgotten some of my painful lessons, have decided to offer the latest batch of future world conquerors some guidance on making your way in this strange, exciting, and sometimes dangerous world.

Not Everything In Your World is Edible

I completely understand your interest in things that smell tasty or move about in an exciting way.

In the food department, you may encounter long, thin items that smell of meat. These are called bones, and they will hurt you if you eat them. Don't.

You may also meet soft, shiny material that (due to your human's ignorance) is attached to one of your toys. This is Mylar. You cannot digest it, and it may have to be removed through something called surgery by someone called a vet. You may have already met this person for painful activities called injections. You want to avoid all unnecessary visits to this human.

Other objects to avoid, which again may be attached to your toys, are: things that make sounds called bells, tiny plastic discs that make no sound, and string. String is much like Mylar, in that you will end up at the vet if you encounter it too closely.

A class of living things called insects may fool you by resembling either food or toys. Little creepy-crawlies called ants come into houses this time of year. Your nose should tell you they don't taste good, but kittens are known to classify creatures that run away from them as prey. Sniff before you pounce.

The same advice applies to spiders, who have several legs and run around in a very exciting way.

Vermin of the Air

Another threat comes in the form of flying insects. Flies and moths are irresistible, and although they're not especially good for you, you won't resist. No cat does.

However, avoid flying insects that buzz loudly and end in a point. That's a stinger, and you won't like what comes out of it and into you.

Flowers

These are not, for the most part, your friends. If you're an indoor kitten, you may be longing for something green to eat, and this is your right.

Intelligent humans will keep all flowers and plants out of your way. They will also provide you with certain grasses that are very good for you and also tasty.

If these haven't yet shown up on the menu, do your best to communicate your wishes. I don't say this is easy, but it will introduce you to your life's work, which is to become a Cat in Charge.

And, remember, I'm always available to answer question.

For further advice, read my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.