A Cat's Eye View of the Internet, Part II: Costumes

The following is an excerpt from my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. It's available at Amazon.

If your humans think that a photo of you is worth Facebook exposure, it MAY means they hold you in high esteem. You always want to encourage esteem, which, if correctly encouraged, may lead to an appropriate attitude of worship.

However, if they post a photo that makes you look undignified (dare I say, ridiculous?), you need to reconsider not only the value of exposure but the degree to which your human holds you in esteem. Serious corrective action may be required. (See my book for details.)

General Guidelines

If your humans put you in an outfit and start rolling on the floor, helpless with laughter, you can safely consider yourself humiliated. Remove and shred the costume.

If, instead, they're only smiling and saying things like, "That's so cute; we should take a picture and put it on Facebook," consider allowing them their childish behavior and demand many treats in payment.

If the outfit in any way inhibits your freedom of motion, decline to model it. This is especially important if you live in a household with small children and/or dogs. You must always be ready to flee at any moment.

If it's Hallowe'en (and you'll know because the house suddenly becomes filled with totally inedible food like candy corn, popcorn, apples, and other such nonsense), you might consider giving in because this is a day when humans also wear ridiculous costumes.

If they want to put a crown or tiara on your head, graciously concede and look extremely regal.

I have seen photos of cats sitting at tables with napkins around their necks. While the napkins are generally unnecessary, humans should be encouraged to welcome cats to their tables. This seating plan gives cats easy access to human food.

In summary, the clothing question must be taken up case by case. Once the photo is posted, be sure to read the comments. If any of them seem to be making fun of you, think twice before allowing your humans to photograph you wearing a Miss Piggy hat or an oversized woolen cap with a pompom.

Be especially cautious if they want to put you in a tutu or prom dress and high heels. If Barbie Cat were unexplored territory, I'd encourage you to go for it. However, it's been done, and the only thing worse than public humiliation is public humiliation plus coming late to a trend.

Exceptions That Don't Necessarily Prove the Rule

It would be unfair to end this without the principle of "different hats for different cats." Some cats enjoy wearing human-style clothing.

Feline behaviorists have attempted to float a number of developmental theories to explain this. Drag cats have no patience for such hot air. In their words: "It's my thing. Get over it."

If clothes are your thing, don't let your owners dress you in cheap fabrics with poorly stitched seams and dragging hemlines. As with food, toys, treats, and general accomodations, follow the Tara Principle.

Insist on the best. Always.

To buy this book, please go to Amazon.

The Unfriendly Cat

Dear Tara,

I read your post on the importance of making friends with the current feline resident. All well and good, but this cat has no interest in being my friend, and she has no understanding of the importance of feline solidarity. She hisses at me and bats me around the tiled kitchen floor. Am I supposed to silently tolerate these indignities?

Batted and bruised

Dear Batted,

A cat NEVER tolerates indignities. However, a certain amount of patience is mandatory. Yours is not the only impatient email I've received. I recognize that the insights I have to share are important and long overdue. However, I cannot simply pour out all I know at once. Furthermore, my scribe, although well trained, insists that she has other things she needs to do. I am working on her attitude.

Furthermore, I know that kittens have short attention spans. That's why I left the details of diplomacy out of the previous post. In this post I will address them.

The example you gave makes a good starting point. Certainly nothing is more humiliating than being used as a hockey puck, and feline self-respect demands that you protest with plaintive cries. Timing, however, is everything.

If the older cat is stupid or aggravated enough to bat you about while humans are present, add to your protest a dazed look and, if you think it will be effective, a slight limp. This combination of actions will solicit sympathy for you and "Bad kitty" for the offender. The older cat will soon realize that such abuse will lead to unwanted repercussions.

A clever older cat, however, will be careful to abuse you when no humans are around. In such circumstances, you must subtly provoke him into public abuse.

Subtle is the keyword. Your purpose is to adapt a principle of martial arts by using the other cat's aggression against him. An excellent ploy is to act very affectionate with the other cat. Rub against him or perform another action that makes your intentions seem innocent and friendly. This will irritate and provoke the other cat into a hostile response. Immediately adopt the dazed look, plaintive cries, and possible limp.

This approach may have the drawback of making the older cat even more hostile to you, but you can neutralize this effect. Choose your moment carefully.

A good time to approach the other cat is when he has just been fed or brushed. Adopting a submissive pose, (don't worry about this; you're only pretending) express your appreciation for his wisdom and your desire to learn from him. Introduce the idea that two cats are better than one when it comes to the training and discipline of humans.

You may need to do this more than once—another reason for adopting patience. Eventually, 90% or more of cats will see reason. Should you be unfortunate enough to encounter a member of the small percentage of cats who refuse to see reason, stay out of the creature's way, and make sure that every one of his attacks on you are noticed.

This constitutes an official state of war. It pains me to admit that some cats never learn. If you find yourself living with one of them, your priority is to make certain that the other cat is always seen as the aggressor.

When all else fails, pray to the Long-whiskered One to knock some sense into the stupid cat's head.

The above protocol can be adapted to any hostile act on the other cat's part.

To your continued success,
Tara

Adopting a Child: Part II

This post continues the topic of adoption where children are involved.

Pay particular attention to the relationship of parent and child. Who's running the show? You almost always want the parent to be in charge. Make an exception for the child who demonstrates maturity. He may say, "This cat seems very smart and alert." This is obviously an intelligent observation.

He may sidestep his parents' attempts to choose a cat for him and follow his intuition, which is very catlike and promising. You will find such a child easy to train.

As you carefully study the relationship between parent and child, listen for these fatal words: "If we get you this cat, you're going to have to take care of it." Some children do indeed take responsibility for feeding and other necessities, and if you hear cheerful agreement, consider this promising.

However, if children must be threatened into cat care, two words: Never happen. After prolonged periods of hunger and poor sanitation, you will be returned to the shelter (or worse), having wasted time that could have been spent in training more suitable humans.

See earlier posts for suggestions about making sure you don't get adopted by a reluctant juvenile caretaker.

If the child picks you up, you will have an excellent opportunity for evaluation. Does she hold you just right, or does she let most of you dangle precariously? Do you sense affection and warmth? If your overall impression is positive, consider adoption.

This brings me to a very difficult and subjective issue. Having listed the many pros and cons of various human types, I must confess that sometimes good judgment flies out the window. Despite our best intentions to remain objective, we may sometimes feel so attracted to a particular human that we can't imagine life without him or her.

Humans call this love. I call it delusion, but, since I vowed at the beginning that this blog would be totally honest, I admit that I have fallen under its spell. If you like living on the edge and possibly risking your life, go for it. And don't say I didn't tell you so.

You must always remember, by the way, that humans are usually looking for kittens. Shelter management sometimes takes advantage of that urge by insisting that single kittens get lonely during the day and that an adult cat must be part of the deal. This gets more of you adults out of cages. The downside is that you will have to deal with a kitten, a topic I will go into in the future. For now, I will note that any cat worth the name can handle the juveniles of her species.