Christmas Trees

Greetings to all cats and their human servants. Below is an excerpt from the holidays chapter in Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.

We move now into the danger zone. These trees are far too tempting. The ornaments twirl and sparkle on the tree in a way that is criminally irresistible. What cat can keep from batting a glittery bell or spinning ball? Is that fair?

What no one tells the unwary cat is that these gorgeous toys are sometimes very fragile. They break. When they do, not only may you be punished, but you may hurt yourself on very sharp fragments. I fear my pointing this out will make no difference, but if you can, keep your paws to yourself.

Tinsel presents another danger. Again glittery and twirly, this innocent-looking decoration begs to be eaten. If you do, though, you may find yourself in emergency surgery—and that's if you're fortunate.

The other major peril is the tree itself. Unless it's one of those artificial plastic jobs, it's a TREE. And what do cats do when presented with a tree? They climb it. It's in our DNA.

Unfortunately, Christmas trees, unlike the traditional outdoor models, have no roots holding them securely in the ground. This means that when you act like a normal cat and leap onto it, it may fall. You might find this a painful experience. To make matters worse, those fragile ornaments are likely to break, creating more possibilities for injury.

Finally, your humans will not be pleased. In a horrendous worst-case scenario, they might ban you from the usual location of Christmas trees, the living room. If I had my way, I would ban Christmas trees.

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A Cat's Eye View of the Internet, Part II: Costumes

The following is an excerpt from my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. It's available at Amazon.

If your humans think that a photo of you is worth Facebook exposure, it MAY means they hold you in high esteem. You always want to encourage esteem, which, if correctly encouraged, may lead to an appropriate attitude of worship.

However, if they post a photo that makes you look undignified (dare I say, ridiculous?), you need to reconsider not only the value of exposure but the degree to which your human holds you in esteem. Serious corrective action may be required. (See my book for details.)

General Guidelines

If your humans put you in an outfit and start rolling on the floor, helpless with laughter, you can safely consider yourself humiliated. Remove and shred the costume.

If, instead, they're only smiling and saying things like, "That's so cute; we should take a picture and put it on Facebook," consider allowing them their childish behavior and demand many treats in payment.

If the outfit in any way inhibits your freedom of motion, decline to model it. This is especially important if you live in a household with small children and/or dogs. You must always be ready to flee at any moment.

If it's Hallowe'en (and you'll know because the house suddenly becomes filled with totally inedible food like candy corn, popcorn, apples, and other such nonsense), you might consider giving in because this is a day when humans also wear ridiculous costumes.

If they want to put a crown or tiara on your head, graciously concede and look extremely regal.

I have seen photos of cats sitting at tables with napkins around their necks. While the napkins are generally unnecessary, humans should be encouraged to welcome cats to their tables. This seating plan gives cats easy access to human food.

In summary, the clothing question must be taken up case by case. Once the photo is posted, be sure to read the comments. If any of them seem to be making fun of you, think twice before allowing your humans to photograph you wearing a Miss Piggy hat or an oversized woolen cap with a pompom.

Be especially cautious if they want to put you in a tutu or prom dress and high heels. If Barbie Cat were unexplored territory, I'd encourage you to go for it. However, it's been done, and the only thing worse than public humiliation is public humiliation plus coming late to a trend.

Exceptions That Don't Necessarily Prove the Rule

It would be unfair to end this without the principle of "different hats for different cats." Some cats enjoy wearing human-style clothing.

Feline behaviorists have attempted to float a number of developmental theories to explain this. Drag cats have no patience for such hot air. In their words: "It's my thing. Get over it."

If clothes are your thing, don't let your owners dress you in cheap fabrics with poorly stitched seams and dragging hemlines. As with food, toys, treats, and general accomodations, follow the Tara Principle.

Insist on the best. Always.

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