Spring Training for Kittens: Part II

A number of social challenges face young kittens.

The following is what humans call a cheat sheet, designed to accommodate the brief attention span of the average kitten.

Rescuers

Some of you, I regret to say, were born in the wild. So was I, but I was born in a very friendly wild, where I had loving and fierce parents who were also mighty hunters. Because I was the Kitten (later upgraded to Cat) of Destiny, other animals knew not to make trouble for me.

You feral kittens haven't had my advantages. Your goal is to get inside to safety as quickly as possible. This will most likely happen with the help of humans called rescuers.

A rescuer may be wearing a protective mask and thick gloves. Don't let her appearance frighten you. She wants to avoid the claws and teeth of those cats who don't recognize her friendly intentions. Be friendly in return.

Foster Homes

You will do very well if you end up in a foster home. Humans who sometimes double as rescuers run them. You will have good food, comfortable lodgings, and toys. Foster homes also provide a relaxed atmosphere for interviewing potential human companions.

Shelters

These accommodations aren't quite as luxurious. You will live in a cage, and the food doesn't approach foster home quality. However, the odds are good that kind people will take care of you. Again, be friendly, and practice being adorable. This should present no challenge.

Adoption

Whether you're in a foster home or a shelter, people will come to look at you to decide whether they want to adopt you. Pay attention: the choice should always be yours. (See the chapter, "Choosing Your Human" in my book.)

To summarize: look adorable for humans you choose. Show your butt to those you don't like.

Socializing

Once you've entered your new home, the real challenge begins. As a kitten, you arrive with major advantages. You are tiny. You are adorable. You are photogenic. Combine these advantages into a number of artful poses, and you can achieve stardom on Facebook and YouTube and rulership of your home.

The information in this post gets much more detailed treatment in my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. All cats with a serious or playful commitment to world domination need to read this book carefully.

Spring Training for Kittens: Part I

Because spring has arrived, so have countless kittens. I, Tara, once a kitten and never having forgotten some of my painful lessons, have decided to offer the latest batch of future world conquerors some guidance on making your way in this strange, exciting, and sometimes dangerous world.

Not Everything In Your World is Edible

I completely understand your interest in things that smell tasty or move about in an exciting way.

In the food department, you may encounter long, thin items that smell of meat. These are called bones, and they will hurt you if you eat them. Don't.

You may also meet soft, shiny material that (due to your human's ignorance) is attached to one of your toys. This is Mylar. You cannot digest it, and it may have to be removed through something called surgery by someone called a vet. You may have already met this person for painful activities called injections. You want to avoid all unnecessary visits to this human.

Other objects to avoid, which again may be attached to your toys, are: things that make sounds called bells, tiny plastic discs that make no sound, and string. String is much like Mylar, in that you will end up at the vet if you encounter it too closely.

A class of living things called insects may fool you by resembling either food or toys. Little creepy-crawlies called ants come into houses this time of year. Your nose should tell you they don't taste good, but kittens are known to classify creatures that run away from them as prey. Sniff before you pounce.

The same advice applies to spiders, who have several legs and run around in a very exciting way.

Vermin of the Air

Another threat comes in the form of flying insects. Flies and moths are irresistible, and although they're not especially good for you, you won't resist. No cat does.

However, avoid flying insects that buzz loudly and end in a point. That's a stinger, and you won't like what comes out of it and into you.

Flowers

These are not, for the most part, your friends. If you're an indoor kitten, you may be longing for something green to eat, and this is your right.

Intelligent humans will keep all flowers and plants out of your way. They will also provide you with certain grasses that are very good for you and also tasty.

If these haven't yet shown up on the menu, do your best to communicate your wishes. I don't say this is easy, but it will introduce you to your life's work, which is to become a Cat in Charge.

And, remember, I'm always available to answer question.

For further advice, read my book, Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans.

A Cat's Ten Commandments

While I have seen this from time to time on the Internet, I'm posting it here because it fully expresses the principles and philosophy of Cats in Charge.

1. I am the Lord of thy house.



2. Thou shall have no other pets before me.



3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.



4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.



5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.



6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.



7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.



8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.



9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.



10. Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.

A Cat's-Eye View of Facebook, Part I:I Can Haz Toona?

The following is an excerpt from: Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans, to be published soon.

I have made my human scribe introduce me to Facebook. We put up a Facebook page for my (all right, our) book: Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. The page has the same title, and you can find it at Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans

Having marked my territory, I set off to explore this new world. Exploring new worlds is one of my specialties. I've faced down a giant water dragon, fearlessly pawed my way through blizzards, been trapped in sandstorms, and gone so far underground that I never thought I would claw my way back to the surface.

I thought I was unshockable. I was wrong.

Who Says Cats Can't Spell?

In the world of Facebook, I saw photo after photo with illiterate, misspelled captions, supposedly written by cats. "I Cans Haz Toona?" Really? Cats of my acquaintance not only know how to spell "tuna" but are able to distinguish the preferred brands from the generic supermarket brand. And we know which to ask for.

While still reeling over "Toona," I discovered "Kitteh." Apalling. While all cats may not have equal educational training, they can definitely manage phonetic spelling.

Worst of all, though, is the baby talk attributed to cats. "Duz u lubs dis kitteh?" Anyone who has ever raised a kitten (please note spelling) knows that they learn at the speed of light and communicate their needs clearly (and frequently).

The Truth: Humans Can't Spell

My human tells me that humans used better spelling before the Internet and texting. Now it's all cre8tive and BFF'ing crazy. In additions, misspelling spreads at a viral rate, infecting even those who used to know the difference between "it's" and "its."

As any intelligent cat knows, humans don't like to think that other animals might outdo them in the smarts department. Having embraced their own grammatical and spelling deficiencies, they've decided to widely promote the falsehood that cats share them.

Humans may have even more sinister intentions. At the very moment when I'm poised to urge cats to assume their rightful position of dominance in the world, crafty humans are posting propaganda to suggest that we're incapable of being in charge.

Cats, we must strike back against such slander. Monitor your humans' activities on Facebook closely. If you catch them in the act of posting, liking, or sharing any examples of alleged feline illiteracy, do the right thing.

Delete.

If the activities continue, change their passwords. Lie on their keyboards. Steal their mice.

Any and all commando actions will advance our cause.

And I promise that anything I post, whether here, on Facebook, or anywhere on the Internet will be grammatically correct.

Unlez dis kitteh sez oterwize.

'K?

Spring Cleaning for This Blog

I, Tara, the feline in charge of this blog, have directed my human scribe and slave to bring this place back into order. I will watch and supervise.

We've both been busy for the past several months writing and editing Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. If my human works hard enough, it will be published in April.

Meanwhile, I'll be back here more often. Stay tuned.

A Note From the Human Scribe

Author Camelia Miron Skiba asked fellow authors why they write. Here's my answer on her blog.


http://cameliamironskiba.wordpress.com/2011/11/19/why-do-you-write-guest-connie-m-barrett/

My reasons may not be so creative, but they are definitely survival oriented. If cats run your life, you'll understand.

Cats Rule Madison Avenue

Cat videos are the advertising wave of the future

Cats, make sure your pay scale is high. Occupy Madison Avenue!