A Cat's-Eye View of Facebook, Part I:I Can Haz Toona?

The following is an excerpt from: Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans, to be published soon.

I have made my human scribe introduce me to Facebook. We put up a Facebook page for my (all right, our) book: Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans. The page has the same title, and you can find it at Cats in Charge: A Guide to the Training and Education of Humans

Having marked my territory, I set off to explore this new world. Exploring new worlds is one of my specialties. I've faced down a giant water dragon, fearlessly pawed my way through blizzards, been trapped in sandstorms, and gone so far underground that I never thought I would claw my way back to the surface.

I thought I was unshockable. I was wrong.

Who Says Cats Can't Spell?

In the world of Facebook, I saw photo after photo with illiterate, misspelled captions, supposedly written by cats. "I Cans Haz Toona?" Really? Cats of my acquaintance not only know how to spell "tuna" but are able to distinguish the preferred brands from the generic supermarket brand. And we know which to ask for.

While still reeling over "Toona," I discovered "Kitteh." Apalling. While all cats may not have equal educational training, they can definitely manage phonetic spelling.

Worst of all, though, is the baby talk attributed to cats. "Duz u lubs dis kitteh?" Anyone who has ever raised a kitten (please note spelling) knows that they learn at the speed of light and communicate their needs clearly (and frequently).

The Truth: Humans Can't Spell

My human tells me that humans used better spelling before the Internet and texting. Now it's all cre8tive and BFF'ing crazy. In additions, misspelling spreads at a viral rate, infecting even those who used to know the difference between "it's" and "its."

As any intelligent cat knows, humans don't like to think that other animals might outdo them in the smarts department. Having embraced their own grammatical and spelling deficiencies, they've decided to widely promote the falsehood that cats share them.

Humans may have even more sinister intentions. At the very moment when I'm poised to urge cats to assume their rightful position of dominance in the world, crafty humans are posting propaganda to suggest that we're incapable of being in charge.

Cats, we must strike back against such slander. Monitor your humans' activities on Facebook closely. If you catch them in the act of posting, liking, or sharing any examples of alleged feline illiteracy, do the right thing.

Delete.

If the activities continue, change their passwords. Lie on their keyboards. Steal their mice.

Any and all commando actions will advance our cause.

And I promise that anything I post, whether here, on Facebook, or anywhere on the Internet will be grammatically correct.

Unlez dis kitteh sez oterwize.

'K?