I'm writing to you from an animal shelter. I'm an 8-week-old kitten and highly adoptable. I want your advice on how to pick the ideal humans to rule.
With Eternal Gratitude for Your Wisdom,
Let me commend you on your attitude. If your human subjects believe you'll be honoring them by gracing their home, you're putting your best paw forward and setting the highest possible standard for future training.
To other cats reading this, you don't have to be an adorable kitten to assume this attitude. It's natural to all cats, and any cat who emphasizes it is virtually guaranteed the home of his or her choice.
Examine your prospects carefully. They should be neat and tidy, but not overly so. Those who are excessively groomed will try to make trouble later on about shed hair and other natural practices.
Nor should they be overly adoring. Those who go on about what a cute little kittiekins you are may try to treat you like a baby or—far worse—a pet. This could present challenges in your quest to assert your natural dominance with them.
Look for an attitude of respect and submission. A bit of awe at your magnificence never goes amiss. Humans who display these useful traits will make the best candidates for training.
Several effective techniques will prevent the wrong humans from adopting you. Look stupid. Act lethargic. Be indifferent to their attempts to charm you. If all else fails, pee outside the litter box.
Above all, maintain your attitude of superiority. This will attract the humans easiest to dominate.
Do let me know how it works out.
All the best,